People help the people

Ciao ragazzi

Sorry it's been so long since my last post.... Things have been, well, you'll see in a minute. 

Before I forget, the title of this post refers to a Birdy song of the same name... Google the lyrics and you'll see why I chose to name this post that :p 

I wish I could say I'm typing this with iOS7, but alas, being in a foreign country with airplane mode on 24/7 doesn't exactly allow for an update 0_o 

Sooo do you want the good or the bad first? Usually I always choose the bad... Because I like the good afterwards to make me feel better about the bad, but for the purpose of this blog post and the fact that that is a rhetorical question....  let's start with good news first, shall we?

Last time I blogged I had only been in Italy for 5 days.... I'm now a seasoned veteran of 12 -_- So yea, guess you could call me an expert by now ;p

Anyways, the good news. I have no doubts that Italians are the warmest and kindest people on the planet... Minus Jesus and Santa Claus of course! 

So far I think I've met at least 200 people, nowadays I  can't go on Facebook without having at least 2 new friend requests a day from Annamaria Spaghetti or Luigi Pizza! (Sorry if that's prejudiced but truthfully everyone over here has a classic Italian name!) I'm always with people, and my classmates... Words can't describe how sweet my classmates are! 

I've attended 4 days of Italian school so far, which equals about 16 hours total, and of that 16 hours I understood maybe 3 (naturally those 3 hours were spent in English class) The school has seen better days and I'm basically unable to walk from the cramps in my legs by the end of the day, but everyone has been very understanding and tolerant of me, so that's good! I sit in the front row, so I find that the teachers all like to make eye contact with me during their lectures in Italian, as if by making eye contact somehow that will allow me to understand what they're saying :p 

Uhhhhhh, no. 

The language barrier sucks a big one. I know so little, and they have like 6 different forms of a word/ ways to use it - for example "bello, bella, bellissimo, and bellissima" are all ways to say beautiful. Which one goes where and why, I haven't a clue. I tend to nod my head and smile a lot, which signifies I understand them, when in reality they could be calling me an obese unicorn from Neptune and I wouldn't even bat an eyelash! It's really annoying to have to use English all the time since my Italian is so mangled, and because no one over here speaks English very well, I've been going at the speed of a drunken snail for 12 days! I laugh when they tell me to slow my English down, because to me, Italian sounds like one giant, complicated medical term. I can't tell where one sentence ends and another starts!!

I have been doing some touristy things with my friends and family here, such as going into Naples and Pompeii (although all we did was shop in Pompeii so it doesn't even count). Those excursions have been fun, but honestly all of Italy is starting to blend together for me... I didn't even know what day of the week it was until my host mom told me 20 minutes ago!

Last bit of good news is that I started Italian lessons! Twice a week I travel to the town of Scaffati, about half an hour from Trecase, to go sit in this lady's living room with 6 other AFSers and try to communicate in my horrid Italian! It's really difficult and I have a throbbing headache afterwards, but just getting to be with my other AFS friends makes it the highlight of my week :) There's me, Ming Hui from China, Daikaku and Yosuke from Japan,  Daniela from Colombia, Amelie from Germany, and Shayla from Ohio!! We are a great group - even if Daniela is way ahead of the rest of us since she speaks fluent Spanish which is super similar to Italian! My teacher is pretty awesome too! She tries to only speak to us in Italian, but last time she gave up and had to use English a bit after like 1 hour :P She speaks like 5.5 languages (only some mandarin) and she makes us snacks too, so basically she's my new favorite person.

Alright, it's that time when this blog turns into my personal diary and things get pretty sappy. 

WARNING : if you don't like complaints, whining, negativity, or melodrama, STOP READING NOW! ***********

Sooo if you've made it this far and are willing to put up with all of the above, thanks for caring about me! 

First and foremost - I. Am. Homesick. 

I was completely fine for the first 5 days! It was all smiles and rainbows, or I guess pizzas and volcanoes?, until Saturday. 

*Cue world's smallest violin and dramatic lighting* 

*Preferably you should be reading this while watching a Sarah McLachlan dog adoption commercial* 

Saturday morning, as I was sitting through Italian class (because I have freaking school on Saturday.. UGHHH) all of a sudden, a fountain sprang forth from my tear duct and the next thing I know, I'm basically chewing through my lip to try and keep from sobbing. After I gain control of myself, of course everyone is staring at me and asking if I'm okay and if I want a drink/something to eat... So that makes me cry even more :/ 

Later in the day I skyped with my family back in America and of course as soon as that finished I was a wreck the rest of the day. 

Monday at school wasn't any better... Cried again, got comforted again, cried some more again. 

I understand that homesickness is a natural part of being an exchange student and everyone experiences it.... But I really really reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally miss America. 

I didn't realize how long 10 months was until I got here, and I'm really beginning to question whether or not being an exchange is the right path for me. It's like, my physical body is here in Italy (especially my stomach) but my heart and my mind are back in America. Every day I wake up and all I can ever think about everything I'm missing back home :/ I've talked to a lot of people, both Italians and Americans, who have assured me that as long as I wholly throw myself into the Italian culture, it will go away. Well, it's been 5 days and I haven't managed to get through a single one without crying. 

I hate how ungrateful I sound - someone GAVE ME 14k to have the year of my life over here, and all I want to do is not use it and go home. Words can't explain how conflicted and horrible I feel about this... Because my parents were also so supportive and helpful throughout the pre departure process, getting my visa, physicals, they threw me a beautiful going away party, they were just the best. All of my friends and family were so understanding and loving right to the very end and are still supporting me! 

When I was in New York, before my flight I was talking with the other exchange students, and they had all been fundraising and preparing for this since last September! One girl said she had been planning this for 2 years!! I decided I wanted to do this on a whim over a long weekend.... 

I really like Italy, and my host family is wonderful, but I can't stop comparing it to America :/ In AFS, there's a saying "it's not good or bad - it's just different!" And sadly, it's those differences that are causing my homesickness. The entire point of being an exchange student is to get pushed out of your comfort zone and overcome all of the differences, but for the first time in my life, I am really questioning if I have what it takes to keep going. 

I am NOT a quitter! I have never quit anything before in my life and just the thought of leaving early makes me hate myself.

At the same time, I am exhausted. I can't run here because my host mom doesn't trust me to go on my own and no one else wants to take me. RUNNING IS MY LIFE! I am going insaneeeeeee without it and if I can't run for 10 months well then that right there is the deal breaker. I'm averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night here, partly because we only eat dinner at 10:30 and partly because I literally don't have any down time until 11 - so I'm up for another 3 hours doing homework/ conjugating verbs / talking to my friends back home who are just getting back from school in America at this time. 

I KNOW. I need to cut off contact with America for a while until I feel better, and I tried to! But since the only thing I look forward to is talking to my friends back home, I had a lot of trouble with that. 

I just feel really stuck. I can't go home, but I can't stay here... I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 10 months, I don't even know how I'm going to get through the next 10 hours! 

All I know is that something is going to have to change, and fast, because this isn't just homesickness... This is like becoming full blown depression :/ 

The last thing I want to do is disappoint anyone - I have the reputation of America (no pressure or anything) to uphold here, as well as that of my community, and my school. I don't want to make my host parents or my friends feel like it's their fault. - IT'S NOT. This is quite possibly the biggest case of "it's not you, it's me" to ever happen in the history of the world. 

So, while I do some major soul searching and wall sits ( to try and keep some muscle mass haha) please, enjoy some pictures of my travels so far :)  

And remember - to be an exchange student is an AMAZING thing! I don't want to deter anyone from that, everyone handles exchange differently, and I've figured out that I'm in that lucky group of "I don't handle it well but I'm a late bloomer with the warning signs" 

Ciao a tutti! 

Castello dell'ovo in Napoli

 

 Afternoon boat ride near Capri! 

The town of

 Torre Anunziata and Vesuvio in the background!

In Italy the "personal pizza" is literally an entire pizza just for you.... #yes